Monday, July 20th, 2015

I hadn't realized how stressed I am until I came to realize how long it's taking me to feel inner calm.  We are up in the Cabin for 4 days now. Usually, no matter how stressed I am when I get here it takes about 2 days to feel anew. That's why I came here now. But it's not working!
I don't know if Bernie's health is slipping away, or if he is depressed and/or defeated, or he just has gotten into horrible habits and just adopted this as he way of life. Either way, it sucks!!!! He doesn't do anything on is own, counting on me to do everything. He has absolutely no energy. His days and nights are mixed up and he doesn't seem to care about changing it. He never feels good which causes him to be cranky and too often nasty.
His quality of life is horrible. And whatever quality we had together is starting to feel like a memory.
And I am so worried about him that my insides are never calm. I took Xanax 2 times this week because I've had trouble sleeping at night.

Is there any hope things will get better??? What can I do to make it better???
I refuse to gt sick and take meds because of his choices but it is getting harder to be ok
And Bubby is waiting fir me at home!

Friday, July 17th, 2015

We (I) really needed to get away for, at least, a few days. Bubby has been living with us for3 months now. Although we have all been doing pretty good together, when we left Bernie and his mom were not speaking and the stress was huge.
So, up to the cabin we came. I love the serenedity up here!!! But within 12 hours of us being here I was being asked by Rob and Lisa when am I coming home.
I absolutely love my family but I really do need a break. I don't feel guilty (ok, maybe just a little) because I know that I am always there for them, and then some. I know I need replenishment  though!!!! I think I have pretty good stamina but I am not ashamed to admit that I am only human :)

Very unfortunately though, I am up here looking for replenishment but am still with my biggest stresser, Bernie. Unless he lightens up and looks at life just a little bit more positive then I don't see how I am going to get what I need.

And right now I am NEEDY
(ok, this helped :)

July 15th, 2015

I didn't realize I hadn't posted here in so long. But let's get started.
I have been asked by some of my chuldren to write down my experiences as I am getting older. I think this process will benefit myself, as well as eventually being a good read for them. So, with that said, I am changing the direction of this blog and will share Shelly.

I just turned 62 years old. Still overweight, retired, somewhat active (but still not enough), caretaking Bernie and Bubby, and just helping out whoever I can whenever I can. Am doing ok :)


Bubby went to sleep without talking to us tonight.